IS NARRATION?

IS NARRATION?
Human beings are instinctively storytellers. In prehistoric times, our ancestors
.iddled around campfires to hear tales of hunting and magic. In ancient times,
'arriors gathered in halls to listen to bards praise in song the exploits of epic
eroes. Things are no different today. Boisterous children invariably settle down
i Iisten when their parents read to them; millions of people tune in day after day
, the ongoing drama of their favorite soap operas; vacationers sit motionless on
te beach, caught up in the latest best-sellers; and all of us enjoy saying, "Just lis.n to what happened to me today." Our hunger for storytelling is basic.
Narration means telling a single story or several related stories. The story can
e a means to an end, a way to support a-main idea or thesis. To demonstrate that
-levision has become the constant companion of many children, you might narate a typical child's day in front of the television-starting with cartoons in the
iorning and ending with situation comedies at night. Or to support the point that
1e college registration process should be reformed, you could tell the tale of a
haotic morning spent trying to enroll in classes.
Narration is powerful. Every public speaker, from politician to classroom
eacher, knows that stories capture the attention of listeners as nothing else can.
Vewant to know what happened to others, not simply because we're curious, but
193
194 _,
Part [IT • The Patterns
of Deve
also because their experiences shed light on our own lives. Narration len.
to opinion, triggers the flow of memory, and evokes places, times, and pt
ways that are compelling and affecting.
\l'
,"'Now
AND
NARRATION FITS YOUR PURPOSE
AUDIENCE
Since narratives tell a story, you may think they're found only in novels 0
stories. But narration can also appear in essays, sometimes as a supplement
tern of development. For example, if your purpose in a paper is to persuade ap.
readers that airport security regulations must be followed strictly, you migl
off with a brief account of armed terrorists who easily boarded planes on Sept
11. In a paper defining good teaching, you might keep readers engaged by inc]
satirical anecdotes about one hapless instructor, the antithesis of an effective te
An essay on the effects of an overburdened judicial system might provideattempt to involve readers-a dramatic account of the way one clearly guilty
derer plea-bargained his way to freedom.
In addition to providing effective support in one section of your paper, nan
can also serve as an essay's dominant pattern of development. In fact, most c
chapter shows you how to use a single narrative to convey a central point and
with readers yom view of what happened. You might choose to narrate the e
of an afternoon spent with your three-year-old nephew as a way of revealing
you rediscovered the importance of family life. Or you might relate the story of
roommate's mugging, evoking the powerlessness and terror of being a victim.
Although some narratives relate unusual experiences, most tread farr
ground, telling tales of joy, love, loss, frustration, fear-all common emot
experienced during life. Narratives can take the ordinary and transmute it
something significant, even extraordinary. As Willa Cather, the American nove
wrote: "There are only two or three human stories and they go on repeating th
selves as fiercely as if they had never happened before." The challenge lie
applying your own vision to a tale, thereby making it unique.
PREWRITING
:. ~
STRATEGIES
The following checklist shows how you can apply to narration some of
prewriting strategies discussed in Chapter 2.
~
~
NARRATION: APREWRITINGCfiECKLIST
Select Your Narrative Eueniis)
o What event evokes strong emotion in you and is likely to have a
powerful.effect on your readers?
ter 12 • Narration
o Does your journal suggest any promising subjects-for example, an
.'
entry about a bully's surprisingly respectful behavior toward a disabled student or a painful encounter with racial prejudice?
o Does a scrapbook souvenir, snapshot, old letter, or prized object (an
athletic trophy, a political button) point to an event worth writing
about?
.
Will you focus on a personal experience (your high school graduation ceremony), an incident in someone else's lite (a friend's battle
with chronic illness), or a public event (a community effort to save a
beached whale)?
o Can you recount your story effectively, given the length of a typical
college essay? If not, will relating one key incident from the fuller,
more complete event enable you to convey the point and feeling of
the entire experience?
_
o If you write about an event in someone else's life, will you have time
to interview the person? ("Why did you cross the picket line?" "What
did you do when your boss told you to lie?")
D
.
Focus on the Conflict in the Event
o What is the source of tension in the event: one person's intern-a1
dilemma, a conflict between characters, or a struggle between a
character and a social institution
natural.pheriomenon?
o Will the conflict creete enough tension to "ho;k" ~~aders and.keep
them interested?
o What po~t does the conflict:and-_it$
resolution conyey to reader~?
o What tone is appropriate for recounting the cOl1flict?
or
<-
Use Preumiing to Generate Specifies About the Conflict
o Would the questioning technique ("Why did the argument occur?"),
brainstorming, freewriting, mapping, or interviewing help you generate details about the conflict? Does your journal suggest ways to'
explore aspects of the conflict? ("When my friends participated in .
the violence at the rock concert, why didn't I try to stop them?")
Or
STRATEGIES FOR USING NARRATION
[N AN ESSAY
After prewriting, you're ready to draft your essay. The following suggestions
will be helpful whether you use narration as a dominant or supportive pattern of
development
1. Identify the point of the narrative conflict.
As you know, most narratives
center around a conflict (see the preceding checklist). When you relate a story, it's
l
"
196
Part
JI[
•
The Patterns of Develo
up to you to convey the significance or meaning of the event's conflict. I
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain warned: "Persons attempting b
a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a :
in it will be banished. , .. " Twain was, of course, being ironic; his novel's ric
lies in its "motives" and "morals." Similarly, when recounting your narrati:
sure to begin with a clear sense of your narrative point, or thesis. Then either
that point directly or select details and a tone that imply the point you want
ers to take away from your story.
For example, suppose you decide to write about the time you got lockec
mall late at night. Your narrative might focus on the way the mall looked
hours and the way you struggled with mounting terror. But you would als.
the narrative to make a point. Perhaps you want to emphasize that fear
instructive. Or your point might be that malls have a disturbing, surreal ill
side. You could state this thesis explicitly. ("After hours, the mall shed its che
daytime demeanor and took on a more sinister quality,") Or you could re
from stating the thesis directly, relying on your details and language to conve
point of the narrative: "The mannequins stared at me with glazed eyes and fr
smiles" and "The steel grates pulled over each store entrance glinted in the
light, making each shop look like a prison cell."
C(
2. Develop only those details that advance the narrative point. Nothing is I
boring than a storyteller who gets sidetracked an.d drags out a story with nones
rial details. When telling a story, you maintain an effective narrative pace by focu
on your point and eliminating any details that don't support it. A good narrs
depends not only on what is included, but also on what has been left out.
How do you determine which specifics to omit, which to treat briefly, and vs,
to emphasize? Having a clear sense of your narrative point and knowing)
audience are crucial. Assume you're writing a narrative about a disastrous
acquainted dance sponsored by your college the first week of the academic yea
addition to telling what happened, you also want to make a point; perhaps
want to emphasize that, despite the college's good intentions, such" official" eVI
actually make it difficult to meet people. With this purpose in mind, you mi
write about how stiff and unnatural students seemed, all dressed up in their 1
clothes; you might narrate snatches of strained conversation you overheard; ~
might describe the way males gathered on one side of the room, females on
other-reverting
to behaviors supposedly abandoned in fifth grade. All th
details would support your narrative point.
Because you don't want to lead away from that point, you would leave out det
about the top-notch band and the appetizing refreshments at the dance. The rm,
and food may have been surprisingly good, but since these details don't advance
point you want to make, they should not be included in your narrative.
You also need to keep your audience in mind when selecting narrat
details. If the audience consists of your instructor and other students-all
them familiar with the new student center where the dance was held-speci
details about the center probably wouldn't have to be provided. But imagi
197
• Narration
_.,.
ssay is going to appear in the quarterly magazine published by the
ommunity relations office. Many of the magazine's readers are former
who haven't been on campus for several years. They may need addicifics about the student center: its location, how many people it holds,
'urnished.
write, keep asking yourself, "Is this detail or character or snippet of con.~essential? Does my audience need this detail to understand the conflict
uation? Does this detail advance or intensify the narrative action?"
~ ~e details that have some importance but do not deserve lengthy treat"/0 hours went by ... "). And try to limit narrative commen.tary-stateIt tell rather than show what happened-since
such remarks interrupt
.ive flow. Focus instead on the specifics that propel action forward in a
way.
mes, especially if the narrative re-creates an event from the past, you
able to remember what happened detail for detail. In such a case, you
ke advantage of what is called dramatic license. Using your current perIS a guide, feel free to add or reshape details to suit your narrative point.
.ize the narrative sequence.
All of us know the traditional beginning of
"Once upon a time .... rr Every narrative begins somewhere, presents a
time, and ends at a certain point. Frequently, you will want to use a
rrward time order, following the event chronologically from beginning to
this happened, next this happened, finally this happened.
metimes a strict chronological recounting may not be effective-especially
;h point of the narrative gets lost somewhere in the middle of the time
'. To avoid that possibility, you may want to disrupt chronology, plunge
er into the middle of the story, and then return in a flashback to the tale's
.g. You are probably familiar with the way flashback-is used on television
1m. You see someone appealing to the main characters for financial help,
irn in a flashback to an earlier time when both were students in the same
arratives can also use flashforward-you
give readers a glimpse of the
he main character being jailed) before the story continues in the present
nts leading to the arrest). These techniques shift the story onto several
ind keep it from becoming a step-by-step, predictable account. Reserve
Nards and flashbacks, however, for crucial incidents only, since breaking
nronological order acts as emphasis. Here are examples of how flashback
hforward can be used in narrative writing:
5:
.k
lding behind
the wooden
ly as he shucked
2ed ease.
The scene
job, when
ing each
counter,
clams--one
contrasted
his hands
shell was
broke
Greg
every
wielded
sharply
with
out in blisters
like prying
his knife
ten seconds--with
open
his
first
day
and when
a safe.
------------------------------- -----------------------------
198
Part III • The Patterns of DevelFlashforward
Rushing
quick
good-bye
didn't
know
station
both
to move
to Karen
then
later
our
my car from
as she climbed
that by the
that day,
the no-parking
the steps
time I picked
she had made
zone,
I waved
c
to the bus.
her up at the bus
a decision
that would
af
lives.
Whether or not you choose to include flashbacks or flashforwards in an E
remember to limit the time span covered by the narrative. Otherwise, y
have trouble generating the details needed to give the story depth and meal
Also, regardless of the time sequence you select, organize the tale so it d;
toward a strong finish. Be careful that your story doesn't trail off into m
anticlimactic details.
4. Make the narrative easy to follow. Describing each distinct action in a sepc
paragraph helps readers grasp the flow of events. Although narrative est
don't always have conventional topic sentences, each narrative paragr
should have a clear focus. Often this focus is indicated by a sentence early in
paragraph that directs attention to the action taking place. Such a sentence ft:
tions as a kind of informal topic sentence; the rest of the paragraph then devel.
that topic sentence. You should also be sure to use time signals when narratin
story. Words like now, then, next, after, and later ensure that your reader won't
lost as the story progresses.
5. Make the narrative vigorous and immediate. A compelling narrative provic
an abundance of specific details, making readers feel as if they're experienci
the story being told. Readers must be able to see, hear, touch, smell, and taste t
event you're narrating. Vivid sensory description is, therefore, an essential part
an effective narrative. (See page 71 in Chapter 6 and pages 121-122 in Chapter
for more on concrete, sensory language.) Not only do specific sensory detai
make writing a pleasure to read-we all enjoy learning the particulars abot
people, places, and things-but they also give the narrative the stamp of realit
The specifics convince the reader that the event being described actually did, (
could, occur.
Compare the following excerpts from a narrative essay. The first version is life
less and dull; the revised version, packed with sensory irnages, grabs readers wit!
its sense of foreboding:
Original
Version
That
sister
eventful
Tricia
decorated
otter
with
with
day starced
and I made
care.
the garden
out like
several
A little
hose,
every
elaborate
later
we heard
other
summer
mud pies
on, as we were
my
rather walk
=-----~
_-__.=....
day.
My
thac we
spraying
each
up the path.
199
.r 12 • Narration
d
it 'sad summer
day started
out uneventfully
~ and I spent
a few hours
mixing
caked with
~ating rows
and decorating
dry mud, we sprinkled
of dandelion
enough.
each
and clover
lopsided
petals.
My sister
mud pies.
Our
pie with
Later,
when
the
}
"~t hotter,
we tossed
--forgetting
~
my grandmother's
ike. Our sweaty
icy sprays
our white
backs bared
from the garden
~re of it all, we barely
~ path,
the gravel
T-shirts
frequent
over
the red picket
warnings
to be more
to the sun, we doused
hose.
heard
crunching
Caught
my
under
father
each other
up in the primitive
as he walked
his heav~
work
up the
boots.
iuiion: Sensory language enlivens narration, but it also slows the pace. Be
tat the slower pace suits your purpose. For example, a lengthy description
account of a leisurely summer vacation but is inappropriate in a tale about
.icsearch for a misplaced wallet.
rther way to create an aura of narrative immediacy is to use dialog while
a story. Our sense of other people comes, in part, from what they say and
ly they sound. Conversational exchanges allow the reader to experience
tel's directly. Compare the following fragments of a narrative, one with diad Onewithout, noting how much more energetic the second version is.
al
soon as I found my way back
~ted on my disheveled
~nshots
to the campsite,
appearance.
and had run back
I explained
the trail guide
that I had heard
to camp as soon as I could.
d
soon as I found my way back
took
Daniel
stack
to the campsite,
one look at me and drawled,
Boone?
You
look as though
the crail
"What on earth
you've
been
happened
dragged
co
through
backwards."
'd look a loc worse
es by me,
I don't
if I hadn't
stick
around
run back
here.
to see who's
When
doing
a bullet
the
ing. "
:e that, when using dialog, you generally begin a new paragraph to indicate
from one person's speech to another's (as in the second example above).
; can also be used to convey a person's inner thoughts. Like conversation
en people, such interior dialog is enclosed in quotation marks.
200
Part III • The Patterns of Deve
.#
The challenge in writing dialog, both exterior and interior, is to make each
ter's speech distinctive and convincing. Reading the dialog aloud-even
friends or family members to speak the lines-will help you develop an
authentic speech. What sounds most natural is often a compressed and reshap
sion of what was actually said. As with other narrative details, include only the
tions of dialog that serve your purpose, fit the mood you want to create, anc
character. (For guidelines on punctuating dialog, see pages 688-691 of the Bane
Another way to enliven narratives is to use varied sentence structure. Ser
that plod along with the same predictable pattern put readers to
Experiment with your sentences by varying their length and type; mix lor
short sentences, simple and complex. (For more on sentence structure, see
109-114 in Chapter 8.) Compare the following original and revised versions
an idea of how effective varied sentence structure can be in narrative writir
Original
The store
The heavy
her
metal
freezing
finally
manager
door
to death
swung
went
to the walk-in
clanged
among
refrigerator
shut behind
the hanging
open. ,She waddled
her.
every
de
I had visions
0
carcasses.
The
shiny
(
out.
Revised
Each
time
the heavy
freezing
until,
the store manager
metal
door
to death
finally,
clanged
among
went
to the walk-in
shut behind
the hanging
the shiny
door
her.
carcasses
swung
open
refrigerato
Visions
crept
and out
of her
into my mi.
she waddled.
Original
The yellow-and-blue
scales
shimmered
saw its desire
striped
fish struggled
in the sunlight.
to live.
I decided
on the line.
Its tail waved
Its
frantically.
I
to let it go.
Revised
Scales
shimmering
in the sunlight,
yellow-and-blue
striped
desire
I let it go.
to live,
fish
struggled
tail waving
frantically,
on the line.
Seeing
t
its
Finally, vigorous verbs lend energy to narratives. Use active verb forms ("T
boss yelled at him") rather than passive ones ("He was yelled at by the boss"), ar
try to replace anemic to be verbs ("She was a good basketball player") with mo
dynamic constructions ("She played basketball well"). (For more on strong verb
see pages 122-124 in Chapter 8.)
201
er 12 • Narration
.;
·ep your point of view and verb tense consistent.
All stories have a
'011 the person who tells the story. If you, as narrator,
tell a story as you
ienced it, the story is wri tten in the first-person point of view ("I saw the dog
oose"). But if you observed the event (or heard about it from others) and
to tell how someone else experienced the incident, you would use the
'Jerson point of view ("Anne saw the dog pull loose"). Each point of view
.~dvantages and limitations. First person allows you to express ordinarily
te thoughts and to re-create an event as you actually experienced it. This
, of view is limited, though, in its ability to depict the inner thoughts of
people involved in the event. By way of contrast, third person makes it
. to provide insight into the thoughts of all the participants. However, its
ive, broad perspective may undercut SOme of the subjective immediacy
11 of the "I was there" point of view. No matter which point of view you
, stay with that vantage point throughout the entire narrative. (For more
int of view, see pages 24-25 in Chapter 2.)
owing whether to use the past or present tense ("I strolled into the room" as
ed to "I stroll into the room") is important. In most narrations, the past tense
minates, enabling the writer to span a considerable period of time. Although
rarely used, the present tense can be powerful for events of short durations-a
ing match or a medical emergency, for instance. A narrative in the present tense
19S each moment, intensifying the reader's sense of participation. Be careful,
h; unless the event is intense and fast-paced, the present tense can seem con. Whichever tense you choose, avoid shifting midstream-starting,
let's say, in
st tense ("she skated") and switching to the present tense ("she runs").
~~;,.
~lSION STRATEGIES
<j!""~-
ce you have a draft of the essay, you're ready to revise. The following checkill help you and those giving you feedback apply to narration some of the
on techniques discussed in Chapters 7 and 8.
view is the narra
for this essay? Why,
1
"
202
Part Il [ • The Patterns of Develoj
Revise Paragraph Development
o Which paragraphs (or passages) fail to advance the action, reveal
character, or contribute to the story's mood? Should these sections
be condensed or eliminated?
o Where <;10 commentary
and description slow the narrative pace? Is
such an effect intended? If not, should the sections be tightened or
elimina ted?
o Where is it difficult to, follow the chronology of events? Where
should paragraph order be changed? Why? Where would chronology be clearer if there were separate paragraphs for distinct time periods? WheEewoUld additional time signals help?
o How could flashback or flashforward paragraphs
used to highlight key events?
(or passages) be
o
What can be done to make the essay's opening paragraph more
'compelling? Would a dramatic bit of dialog or a mood-setting
descriptive pass~ge help?
ti
wn1u c~ulc(he done to make the essay's closing paragraph 1I1:0re
:effe"~ti.ve?If the final paragraph seems anticlimactic-would it-help to
end earlle1'7Ifihe ending doesn't round off the essay ina satisfying
waY, what could be added that would echo an idea or image in the
.opening? ,',
'
Revise Sentences and Words
o 'Where is sentence structure .monotonous? How would, combining
sentences, mixing sentence type, and alternating sentence length
help?
o Where should the narrative pace be slowed down with long sentences or quickened with short ones?
o Where could-dialog effectively convey character and propel the
.story forw:ard? Where could dialog replace commentary?
o Whic~ sentences and words are inconsistent with. the essay's tone?
o W11J,chsentences would benefit from sensory details that heighten
the narrative mood?
o Where do vigorous verbs convey action? Where could active verbs
("Many of us made the same error") replace passive ones ("The
same error was made by many of us")? Where could dull to be verbs
("The room was dark") be converted to more dynamic forms ("The
room darkened")?
o Where are there inappropriate shifts in point of view or verb tense?
203
apter 12 • Narration
PUDENT ESSAY: FROM PREWRITING
fROUGH REVISION
-P;
'he student
.1
essay that follows was written by Paul Monahan
in response
to this
gnment:
In "Shooting an Elephant," George Orwell tells about an incident that forced him
) act in a manner contrary to his better instincts. Write a narrative about a time you
Ked a disturbing conflict and ended up doing something you later regretted.
iller deciding to write about an encounter he had with an elderly woman in the
~ where he worked, Paul did some freeumting on a word processor to gather
erial on his subject. When he later reviewed this freewriting, he crossed out
ecessary commentary, wrote notes signaling where dialog and descriptive details
~ needed, and indicated where paragraph breaks might occur. After annotating
reewriting in this manner, Paul felt comfortable launching into his first draft,
lout further shaping his freewriting or preparing an outline. As he wrote, though,
'equently referred to his warm-up material to organize h.is narrative and retrieve
ils. Paul's original freewriting is shown here; the handwritten
marks indicate
's later efforts to shape and develop this material:
.vriting
n ~ld
woman) entered
lIed in, coughed,
lded dress
and a sweater
The night
was cold,
kings.
You could
store,
sneezing
and stared
that was much
but
she didn't
see her veins.
and hacking.
was
to do this because
to be friendly
'"or r i cd me.
she said.
food,"
and also
that
Ld, insensitive
I almost
told her
~ules stopped
[ couldn't
thing
Hadn't
to do!).
to take
anything
I was
around
on duty.
She said
away.~Her
Add dialog
Had
Background information-move to first
Always
the co~
(what a
but all
in control.
face
~
she couldn't
the can of corn,
stay
hel~
had any trouble.
was on sale
me. Be polite,
give
appearance
if she needed
I told her how much
the bologna
Give details about her
up a can of
Felt confident.
and polite.
: need
for
any
She strolled
on. Asked
tHe old woman
wear
Set up contrast
She wore
me Rcrv'6U9. I walked
was going
for two years.
the door,
too small
She picked
at it. SHe made
the one
She pushed
to be in pain~
to see what
ed at 7-11
j
the (store)
and seemed
looked
I told
even
paragraph
Add dialog
.'
204
Part III • The Patterns
-4'
more
More specifics
Good title?
saggy.
She kind
left.
I rushed
about
acting
acted
differently.)
of shook
out after
like
her.
a robot.
and put
Too
of Develo
the can back.
late.
Felt ashamed
Mad at myself.Clf
only
I'
Now read Paul's paper, "If Only," noting the similarities and differences bel
his prewritin~ and final essay. You'll notice, for example, that Paul decided to .
background information to the essay's opening, and that he ended up using,
title a shortened version of the final sentence in his prewriting. Finally, consider
well the essay applies the principles of narration discussed in this chapter. (The
mentary that follows the paper will help you look at Paul's essay more closely
will give you some sense of how he went about revising his first draft)
If
Only
by Paul Monahan
Introduction
Having
thought
calls
worked
"customer
friendly
"thank
might
smile
you"
point (thesis)
other
night
response
with
Informal topic ------~The
sentence
moment
contrast
neatly
down
was wearing
beige
slippers
only
with
There
blue-veined
After
But
tho
spots
of dealing
the woman
presented
with
Walking
pushed
open
aisle.
breath.
lighting
as if each
step were
the glass
door
She coughed
dress,
the backs
cut out
no s~ockings
a thin,
to expose
and
night,
and black
or socks
ar:
dryly,
On a forty-degree
a faded print
a sharp
its bright
she
lightvinyl
calloused
on her splotchy,
legs.
around
stopped
She picked
a strange
decided
peo]
that a gl
the rough
to button,
were
the old woman
with
change.
my belief
too small
strolling
vegetables.
Informal topic sentence
shelves.
each
sweater
heels.
store
the nearest
with
that
beings.
she slowly
wheezing
over
and
or unpleasant
the wrong
shattered
she entered,
arranged
hobbled
Sensory details
smooth
to our shiny
painful,
out
that a
"ma'am,"
any situation
impatient
for giving
human
"sir,"
I
ou~ manager
I firmly believed
soothing
an old woman
for two years,
at what
see me through
from
could
other
relations."
would
arise.
store
successful
and an automatic
to apologizing
Narrative
at a 7-Eleven
I had become
in front
for several minutes,
of the rows
up some corn
intensity
to be a good,
the store
niblets
ae the label.
courteous
of canned
and stared
At that point,
employee
and asked
her
I
205
ter12 • Narration
~e needed help. As I stood close to her, my smile
ne harder to maintain; her red-rimmed eyes were
"------------Sensory
Lally closed by yellowish crusts; her hands were
details
~ed ~ith layer upon layer of grime, and the stale smell
Neat rose in a thick vaporous cloud from her clothes.
,)[ need some food," she muttered in reply to
my
bright
Start
ofdialog
I help you?"
xre you looking for corn, rna'am?"
[ need some food," she repeated.
veIl. the corn is ninety-five
helpful voice.
"Any kind."
cents," I said in my
"Or, if you like, we have a special
ologna today."
[ can't pay," she said.
)r a second, I was tempted to say, "Take the corn. "~Conflict
established
the employee rules flooded into my mind: Remain
te, but do not let customers get the best of you. Let
know that you are in control. For a moment,
I even
rtained the idea that this was some sort of test, and
this woman was someone from the head office, testing
oyalty. I responded dutifully,
n't give away anything
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but
for free."
~e old wo~an's face collapsed a bit more, if that were
ible, and her hands trembled as she put the can back
Informal
topicsentence
he shelf. She shuffled past me toward the door, her
and dirty clothing barely covering her bent back.
Jments after she left, I rushed out the door with the
Conclusion
of corn, but she was nowhere in sight. For the rest of
hift, the image of the woman haunted me. I had been
g, healthy, and smug. She had been old, sick, and
erate. wishing with all my heart that I had acted like
man being rather than a robot, I was saddened to
Echoingofnarrative
pointintheintroduction
ize how fragile a hold we have on our better
incts.
nmentary
t of View, Tense, and Conflict
lui chose to write "If Only" from the first-person point of view, a logical choice
use he appears as a main character in his own story. Using the past tense, Paul
mts an incident filled with confiict-between
him and the woman and between
ear of breaking the rules and his human instinct to help someone in need.
206
Part LU •
The
Patterns
of Develo
Narrative Point
It isn't always necessary to state the narrative point of an essay; it can be im
But Paul decided to express the controlling idea of his narrative in two placesintroduction ("But the other night an old woman shattered my belief that.
response could smooth over th.e rough spots of dealing with other human bei
and again in the conclusion, where he expands his idea about rote resp
overriding impulses of independent judgment and compassion. All of the e:
narrative details contribute to the point of the piece; Paul does not include any I
neous information that would detract from the central idea he wants to convey
Organization
and Other Patterns of Development
The narrative is organized chronologically, from the moment the woman e:
the store to Paul's reaction after she leaves. Paul limits the narrative's time ~
The entire incident probably occurs in under ten minutes, yet the introdui
serves as a kind offlashback by providing some necessary background about P.
past experiences. To help the reader follow the course of the narrative, Paul
time signals: "The moment she entered, the woman presented a sharp conn
(paragraph 2); "At that point, I decided to be a good, courteous employee" (3);
the rest of my shift, the image of the woman haunted me" (11).
The paragraphs (except for those consisting solely of dialog) also contain ii
mal topic sentences that direct attention to the specific stage of action being nai
ed. Indeed, each paragraph focuses on a distinct event: the elderly worn
actions when she first enters the store, the encounter between Paul and
woman, Paul's resulting inner conflict, the woman's subsequent response,
Paul's delayed reaction.
This chain of events, with one action leading to another, illustrates that
cause-effect pattern underlies the essay's basic structure. And another patter
description-gives
dramatic immediacy to the events being recount
Throughout, rich sensory details engage the reader's interest. For instance,
sentence "her red-rimmed eyes were partially closed by yellowish crusts"
vividly re-creates the woman's appearance while also suggesting Paul's in
reaction to the woman.
Dialog and Sentence Structure
Paul uses other techniques to add energy and interest to his narrative. For c
thing, he dramatizes his conflict with the woman through dialog that crackles w
tension. And he achieves a vigorous narrative pace by varying the length and structi
of his sentences. In the second paragraph, a short sentence ("There were no stockin
or socks on her splotchy, blue-veined legs") alternates with a longer one ("On
forty-degree night, she was wearing only a faded print dress, a thin, light-bei
sweater too small to button, and black vinyl slippers with the backs cut out to expo
calloused heels"). Some sentences in the essay open with a subject and verb ("Sl
coughed dryly"), while others start with dependent clauses or participial phras
("As I stood close to her, my smile became harder to maintain"; "Walking as if ea<
step were painful, she slowly pushed open the glass door") or with a preposition
phrase ("For a second, I was tempted").
207
.iapter 12 • Narration
wising the First Draft
T~-get a sense of how Paul went about revising his essay, take a moment to look
the 0riginal version of his third paragraph shown here. The handwritten annotions, numbered in order of importance, represent Paul's ideas for revision.
)mpare this preliminary version with the final version in the full essay:
'iginal Version of Thi('·_rd_P_a~r=ag=r=a=p:h::-~
After
ie old
~neezin0
and ~aCking) her
woman stopped
~ picked
:ayed like
in
front
up a can of corn
this
for
several
of
~~
@Inappropriate
way around
the
and stared
minutes.
the
vegetable
at
the
words-sound
store,
humorous
shelves.
label.
Then I walked
~
CDBoring-not
enough details
over
):____::..=:::__:==-=:::___:~~~::..:::__::_-=-::..=.:::...::._....:::....::........:::..:::_....:..:..::..=-=:_:_----------her and asked if I could be of help.
10\
0Choppy sentences
As you can see, Paul realized the paragraph lacked power, so he decided to add
Impelling descriptive details about the woman ("the stale smell of sweat," for
:ample). When revising, he also worked to reduce the paragraph's choppiness.
/ expanding 'and combining sentences, he gave the paragraph an easier, more
·aceful rhythm. Much of the time, revision involves paring down excess materi. In this case, though, Paul made the right decision to elaborate his sentences.
rrthermore, he added the following comment to the third paragraph: "1decided
, be a good, courteous employee." These few words introduce an appropriate
)te of irony and serve to echo the essay's controlling idea.
Finally, Paul decided to omit the words "sneezing and hacking" because he
.alized they were too comic or light for his subject. Still, the first sentence in the
.vised paragraph is somewhat jarring. The word strolling isn't quite appropriate
nee it implies a leisurely grace inconsistent with the impression he wants to con~y.Replacing strolling with, say, shuffling would bring the image more into line
ith the essay's overall mood.
Despite this slight problem, Paul's revisions are right on the mark. The changes
~made strengthened his essay, turning it into a more evocative, more polished
ieee of narrative writing.
ACTIVITIES:
NARRATION
Prewriting Activities
Imagine you're writing two essays: One analyzes the effect of insensitive
teachers on young children; the other argues the importance of family