* *EXTRA* ws e

* * * *EXTRA* ***
ews
Bryn Mawr
and Haverford
Colleges
Volume 8, Number 75
Thursday, Apri I 1, 1976
Haverford room draw annulled
by Wilbur Post
Because
of
a
serious
miscalculation of the num ber of
IP&ces available on the Haverford
~ampus, Dean of Student Affairs
.ldolphus Levi William Jr . has
annulled last night's Haverford
room draw . The entire process,
including the assignment of
priority numbers, will be redone
next week.
Williams took the action late last
~using Committee Chairman Behrman after he learned of the room
lawproblems.
&MC rejects x-majors;
Questions HC quality
by Mimi Panitch
, In an unexpected and momen-
:ous decision yesterday, Bryn
M
awr's faculty flatly rejected a
llriety of proposals relating to
~oss·majoring with departments
il Haverford.
Commenting on the faculty
leeting, the proceedings of which
~e confidential, Bryn Mawr Dean
iary Pat McPherson said that
1he sentiments that surfaced
'~ ut Haverford at the meeting
•ere clear. We want nothing to do
ijlh that college. We hope to
~
>
• ·. ~
event our stude~ts fro~ en•IU!Iering Haverford 's alcholic
'd unprofessional facult y , as well
1,'heir oversexed student body."
I find it hard to get excited
about this," commented Haverford
President John Coleman when
asked to respond to McPherson's
statemen t.
"You have to
remember I lived in Calcutta for
awhile. "
Bryn Mawr Director of Admissions, Elizabeth Vermey, who
was present at the meeting
yesterday, said she counselled
against
permitting
cross m ajoring.
"From my work and contact
with the Haverford Admissions
Office, I think I can say with some
authority that Haverford students
are, to put it bluntly, dum b. I see
no reason why Bryn Mawr
students , the cream of this nation 's
young women , should have to
associate with the inferior trash
they 're admitting at Haverford
these days . They 're e xpanding,
you know ."
Haverford's Admiss i ons
Director , William Ambler, refused
to comment on th e above
statement.
Bryn Mawr President Harris
Wofford seemed confused when
asked to comment on the overall
issues. "As I see it, " said Wofford ,
' 'the cross-majoring question is a
straw man . It really has very little
to do with the kind of education
that goes on here ."
"Bullshit,"
McPherson
responded upon hearing of Wofford's statement. "I don't know
(Continued on Page 4)
...
night when he learned that Housing
Committee Chairman David
Behrman had allowed 22 students
in excess of capacity to draw into
the North Dorms . Williams refused
·'''
to discuss the annullment with The "
News , except to say that " Behrman blew it."
Most students had not learned of
the annulment when this special
issue of The News went to press.
Housing Committee members
were informed of it at a ·special
meeting called by Williams this
morn ing to ar r ang e fo r rescheduling the dr a w. One com mittee member said that William s
told them he had never trusted
Behrman and that he wanted to
have "the whole damn thing done
over again , including the numbers
part."
Chairman Behrman was not Housing Committee Chairman Behrman after the rest of the campus
(Continued on Paqe 4)
learned of the room draw problems.
Gubins enthusiastic about
Revised expansion model
by Harry Levit
The seventeenth revision of
Haverford's expansion model was
unveiled yesterday in Roberts by
Assistant Vice-President Sam (The
Slam) Gubins .
Designed and
constructed at a minimal cost by
an unidentified fine-arts major , the
model purportedly illustrates how
expansion can be accomplished
with almost no additional investment.
The model consists of a rubber
balloon which can be inflated to
various degrees . Demonstrating
the operation of the model with
what he termed "great personal
satisfaction," Gubins inflated it
partially , exclaiming " See! " He
went on to say that "it is quite clear
to me and to the other members of
the Administration that under this
model , and given the total absolute
marginal decreasing utility function under which we make all our
important decisions , we can expand the College without any
additional increase in rubber .
The validity of the model. which
was initially unclear to many
experts in the field, was strongly
defended by Gubins. He told The
News that inflation of the balloon
bears a strong similarity to the
present inflation facing the
American economy , and observed
that "as a former economic
professor, I can easily see the
analogy between an expanding
balloon and Haverford College."
Gubins Likes Rubber
According to informed sources,
Gubins, known affectionately as
Uncle Sam, has recommended
that all future construction undertaken by the College use rubber
building materials. The source
went on to say that Gubins is very
enthusiastic about the prospect of
being able to inflate College
facilities as the school expands,
though there is some concern that
future "balloon dorms" would be
in danger of blowing away,
perhaps as far as Mexico.
Development of the new rubber
expansion model was originally
undertaken to replace the current
computerized version. President
~
-.
-. . . .
~
~
.
Sam Gubins demonstrates the flexibility of his new expansion model.
John Coleman could not explain
why it was done, saying "I thought
the old one was doing fine, but then
again, Sam usually knows what
he's doing .
Gubins was more specific,
saying "that computer is full of
shit." He went on to add that "if
you accept the assumption that
rubber stretches, and if you make
the further assumption that
computer tape doesn't, then the
computer is still full of shit."
Asked to elabor ate, he couldn't.
No Shit
Gubins denied to The News,
however, that there is any truth to
the rumor that the original threeyear, $178,000 model was
decimated by defecation. POOH,
however, is investigating charges
that
Gubin's
Irish
Setter
"Schlepp," affectionately known
as the smelliest dog on campus,
relieved himself on the computer,
rendering it useless.
Asked to comment on the matter,
Schlepp couldn't.
Gubins reported that completion
of the model will take another
three years. Schlepp told The
News that the inflation of the
model will take at least that long.
This puts an end to rumors that
Gubins will be leaving Haverford
to take up a post next year heading
up the International House at the
University of Pennsylvania .
Reaction
among
faculty
members was fairly negative.
Richard Luman told The News "I
think this whole expansion
business is a bunch of hot air."
President John Coleman , however,
said he felt that the matter is not as
weighty as Luman . "I'd hate to see
it get blown out of proportion," he
said. "I find it hard to get excited
about this . You have to remember,
I lived in Calcutta for awhile."
Correction
Last week's correction incorrectedly corrected the
correction of the previous issue,
which was correct in correcting
the incorrect correction of Feb.
20, in which it was stated that
Bruce Partridge.
Page 2
T hursday, April1, 1976
T he Bryn Mawr-Haverfo rd College
ROUNDING OUT THE NEWS
Hit Ma11
Haverford President John
Coleman was arrested last
night when it was revealed that
he was a hit man for the Mafia.
"I wanted to explore all kinds of
working life," Coleman told the
Philadelphia police. "It sure
beats digging ditches," he
added.
Vice President Sam Gubins was
implicated by Coleman in the
operation. The President, given
names by Gubins, was using his
mafia connections to rub out
those who had willed money to
the College. "It was the only
viable alt.ernative to expansion
that we could think of," the
sobbing Coleman explained.
"This is the kind of thing that
happens to a kid who has spent
some time in Calcutta," he
noted.
Upgraded
The Haverford English Department, agreeing with
a
recommendation from the
Student Curriculum Committee, has decided not to allow
Haverford English courses to
count towards the Haverford
major.
Jack Lester, head of the
department, emphasized that
this was a necessary step to
insure the reputation of
Haverford's dept. "Haverford
professors give less work,
easier assignments, and better
grades - we could see no
reason in the academic world
to allow such obviously substandard courses to be taken
for major credit."
Lester added that overtenuring was the major reason for
Haverford's inferior
Department. " Perhaps we'll re-
consider the policy in seven or
eight years, after some of the
old fogies have retired or kicked
off."
Instead, Haverford English
majors can receive major
credit for all courses taken at
Bryn Mawr, University of
Pennsylvania and Swarthmore, as well as in summer
school. Haverford Professor
John Ashmead said "We're
even considering allowin g
major credit for persons
reading 12 of the God Key
comic book 'Classics,' as these
have often been shown to
provide clearer and more incisive analyses of literature
than any Haverford course."
The only courses that Haverford
majors may take for credit is
Senior Conference, and Lester
assured The News that he was
trying to procure Villanova
Grad Students to upgrade the
quality of the teaching of this
course.
Gone
Classes of Sociology Prof. Mark
Gould have been cancelled for
the remainder of the semester.
Reports that Gould has been
eaten by his German shepherd
dog Yobo Sayo are unconfirmed, but the dog has
been seen on campus licking its
chops. POOH Chairman John
Gailey
said
that
his
organization is investigating
Gould's disappearance .
"I find it hard to get excited
about that, " siad President
John Coleman. "You have to
remember I lived in Calcutta
for a while."
According to Gailey, POOH is
uncertain as to whether Yobo
actually ate the professor, but
investigators are planning to
give the dog an enema to see
what comes out.
GUIDE FOR
THE
PERPlEXED
Thursday, Apri l 1
4: 15 p.m. The Goose Lecture
Series continues with Ashok
Gangadea n ( P hil osop h y )
speaking of " If Quadruplicity
dr inks procrastination, then
must the equator be clean?" A
s lide presentation will follow.
Goose Center.
7: 15 and 9:30 p.m. The Bryn
Mawr film series presents reruns of " It 's Acade m ic."
Physics Lecture Room.
Frida y, Apri l 2
4:00 p.m. Dr. Johnson delivers
the 15th in a series of lectures
on death . This one is entitled,
" If God is eternal, the n why are
there no-return bottles?"
6:30 p.m. Christia n Fellowship
-,vii i burn a cross in front of
Yarnall.
6:30p.m. Havurat Shabbat mem-
hers will hold a marshma llow
roast, Yarna ll.
8:30 p. m. The Ha verford F ilm
Ser ies wi II present "Oh
Calcutta !" Jack Coleman sa id
he finds it ha rd to get exc ited
a bout th is.
Saturday, Apri l 3
2:30 p.m. The bi-Co'llege Arts
Series will present the 23rd in a
series of c ha mbe r conce rts.
Beca use of diminis hing a t te nda nce, the locati on has been
c hanged fr om Thomas Ha ll to
t he e levator in Da lton.
8:30 p.m. Alternative Fi lm Series
presents "GodZilla Meets Mr .
Ed," a Japanese war picture.
Stokes Aud .
10:00 p.m. The Quaker Activ it ies
Committee presents a dance,
based large ly on s il ence.
Quaker Meeting House.
Inspection
After a recent Board of Health
inspection of the Haverford
Dining Center, all servers will
be required to wear shoes from
now on.
The Board cited the gener al
uncleanliness of serving potato
chips with the feet. According
to one Board inspector , the
inspection took place on
request of the Bryn Mawr
Infirmary, who repor ted a
record number of cases of
athlete's tongue within the past
three weeks. Inspectors also
cited the dog in Nick Crouton 's
office, which bit everyone in
sight.
Crouton denied a report that old
copies of The News were being
made into mystery meat in the
kitchen.
"I find it hard to get excited
about this," President John
Coleman said. "You have to
remember that I lived in
Calcutta for a while ."
Canan ?
Stating that "the biggest problem
facing Haverford today is a
lack of school spirit," Student's
Council President Jim Canan
revealed to The News this week
a skeptical plan to revitalize
Haverford life.
Canan cited his proposal to
organize a campus-wide, daylong Red Rover game for Rites
of Spring activity as the main
item on the SC agenda for this
month.
"Since we're not all mathematics
majors, we should take special
precautions not to become so
involved in campus politics
that we forget the purpose of a
college ed ucation," Ca nan
said.
"We
need
more
togetherness and good clean
fun in tod ay's bicentennial
America."
Canan also listed expansion ,
coeducation, cross-majoring,
and fi n ancial problems as
issues significant to Haverford
today.
An informal poll conducted by
The News showed that in
response to the question " Do
you agree with Jim Canan 's
evaluation of Haverford and its
needs?" Four percent said yes,
two percent said no, and 94
percent said " Who is J im ·
Canan?"
Be Cool
Want to be cool ?
Want to be the voice of the
people?
Join the News ! Find out why
News editors
show up together for breakfast
so early
on Thursdays and why our
slogan is "We m ake
all The News that's fit to print. "
Rock Trivia
Think you know your rock and
roll trivia? Tune in to WHRC's
Rock Rev iv al Show each
Saturday night from 7-8: 30 p.m.
and find out. Trivia contests are
presented over the air waves
each half-hour . Winners are
entitled to free record prizes!
News EE?~d
Wicked Wicki. .... . . ........ . . .. .... . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . head honcho
G lenda Bright . . . . .. ...... . ..... . . . .. . . ... . . . . . .
Antsy Nerdo . ... . . .. . . . . . . . . ..... ... . . . ... . . .. . partners in crime
Jeff (Huh!) Cram ita I. . ..... .. ....... ..... . . . . .. . .
Hairy Ericson .. . .......... . . . . ... ... .. .. . . . ... . . . . . . opinionated
Johann Sch u ltz . . . . . ... ........... .. . . ... . . . . artsy fartsy schnia lts
Jay (A?) Clodman ...... . ... .. ... . .... . ........... . .. ......splats
Mr. Ed . .. . ... .. ..... .. . ..... . ... .. . . . .. .. .. .. . .. officia l mascot
The News is p ub lished week ly except d uring vacations, exa m periods and
whenever e lse we can get out of it , by a nd fo r t he students of Bryn Mawr
and Haverfo rd Co lleges (poo r souls). Off ice ho urs are Wednesday nights
thru Thursday mornings on the left hand side of the Dining Center. When
you see us remember : We're T he News. We're cool. We're the voice of t he
eople. (A nd we make all The News that's fit to print .)
OPEN FORUM
c>«:J
Let's say you and I wanted to move in together Mary Pat McPherson
Let me check the width of your slit Bruce Partridge
to the Editor ...
BMC Dean
H'ford Astronomy Prof.
0
Or, we could always play touchy-feely Potter
H'ford Dean David
You mean you've been working on it all night and it's only nine
inches long? - Vicki Weber
It takes eight Haverfordians to satisfy a girl -
Barbara Reimer
Imagine a stream of banan as roaring through this room- Br uce
Partridge
0
Please Write
To the Editors:
We are students at a sm all
prestigious liber al ar ts college on
P hil ad elphi a' s s uburb an Main
Line.
We
are
interested
in
corresponding with any prison
inmates who read The News to
keep in touch with the outside
wor1d . We' r e inte r e ste d in
reaching out for friendships across
the barrier s of time and space .
Students will truly benefit from
so m eone's car e a nd con cern ,
t hrough contact wit h mature
prisoner s, . wardens, and other
outside indi viduals. Th e r igh t
frien ds hip can give som e in dividuals needed direction and
purpose.
In addition, the right friendships
can definitely stop some students
from ever returning to college once
they are released.
We would all appreciate very
much getting some letters from
prisoners, an d let some sunshine
into out lives.
Wr ite Drummer Box 319.
This is not a box. No infor m ation , useful or otherwise,
will be found anywhere within
these lines. In other words, this
space has been entirely wasted .
(So what else is new?)
Cool
The Haverford Stude nt
Co un cil h as requeste d all
students to refrain from eating
on t he left-h and side of the
Dining Center unless they have
been offic ially classified a s
"cool." If you ar e unsure about
whether you ar e "cool," contact
Nan c y Herndon , 19 Com fort.
A horse is a horse Of course, of
course,
And no one can talk to a horse, of
course,
That is, of course ,
Unless the horse
Is the fam ous Mr. Ed.
Go right to the source
And ask the horse.
He'll give you an answer that you'll
endorse.
He's always on a steady course.
Talk to Mr. Ed.
People yakkety yak a streak,
And waste the time of day ;
But Mr. E d will never speak
Unless he has something to say.
A horse is a horse
Of course, of course,
And this one will talk till his voice
is hoar se.
You never heard of a talkiDf,
horse?
Well, listen to this :
Neighingly,
DochortY
Thursday, Apr il 1, 1976
The Bryn Mawr-Haverford College
SP
ARTS
lt!?l§';Recorder
book;d
~A~r;~;e;n;tN~e;w~s;su;r;v;e;y~h;a;s~sh~o;w;n~;t_o_o_v_e_r~b-o-se_,_t_o_o_r_e_d-~~d-a_n_t_a_n_d~re--~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
byS~n~yKave~
''liilieydon'tcome~
muled:
that the Sports and Arts section petitive, too cute-phrase-for-thearethe leastread of all the :pages in sake-of-cute-phrase, and often has
the News. It would appear that the sentences that are of such a length
writing styles put people off. The as to be quite ~approachable to all
Sports style is too terse. It is fac- but the most dedicated reader.
tual. It is straight-forward . The
In an effort to generate more
Arts style, on the other extreme, is readers, the editors decided to
merge departments and switch
reporter for one week, to see if a
changed outlook would produce
better insights into the sports and
arts worlds, as well as draw the
alienated worlds together..
Art off the beaten track
team
by Aesthetic Eclectic
Prose III
. It is rare that one is allowed the
opportunity, much less be given
the chance, to witness a finely
crafted and presented athletic
event rendered in a m anner th at is
likeable and natural , a s well as
being moving: both aesthetically,
emotionally , spir itually, a nd
casually be dedicated, if not wholly
cognizant, perform ers.
Such was last Friday's track
meet.
The well-r ehearsed athletes
eclected from such diver se · and
varied performers as Fosbury,
Steve Smith, Brian Oldfield, and
· Marty Liquori in producing a m eet
that was not only bursting with
philosophical an d prim ordial
implications, but was a glory to the
eye and a joy to the heart.
The amazing suppleness of the
hurdlers, the brilliant grace of
ilie polevaulters , and· the ~tiring,
;teady, consistent, ungiving-up of
the long distance runners (not to
mention their loneliness) all
contributed, if not combined to
equal, if not interacted to produce,
if not merged to define, an afternoon
of
delightful
entertainment.
There were, to be sure, some
faults - the Fords lost 79 to 6, it
r ained like Hades, and three men
p ulled groin muscles - but these
are trivial compared to and with
t he complex and interestingly
e vo c ative conglomeration of
alm ost-photographic unity of
stylized, yet never mechanical where'd my sentence go! What
h appened to my sentence? Oh well
- the precise actualization of the
inconcrete idea of physical and
emotional attainment elevated this
competition from the brooding
alligator of conflict to the vibrant
and flexible athletic jellyfish of
potentiality.
It was too bad that more hiCollegians couldn't attend this
ART SCRAPS- Haverford F ilm Ser ies Chairman John Reichman insists that AI Williams ' decision to not allow movies to be
shown in Roberts or Stokes because of the litter problem will not
effect the guality or n urn ber of films shown next year.
Beginning in September, "instead of students ~oming to the films
-a time-consuming and unnecessary procedure- the movies will
come to them! " Reichman enthused. Appropr iate films will be
shown in sites all over Haverford's campus . Already booked for
next year:
The Passenger - continuously, on the Blue Bus.
From Here To Eternity- in the Recorder 's Office.
To Have and Have Not - in Student's Council budget meeting .
! Was a Prisoner in a Chain Gang - in Gumme:e 's basem ent.
The Mouse That Roared - continuously, in the P ublic Relations
Office.
Play it Again, Sam - each time a new expansion policy is proposed, in the Associate Vice President's office.
Bambi Meets King Kong - in Dean Potter's waiting room .
Frenzv- in the infirmarv durine: Exam Week.
~Barry,lthinkyou could
~make a chicken look good.'
Laura Kavesh, head of the
Haverford Arts Series, announced today that she has
booked a recorder concert for
$10,000 for next semester
f eaturmg
·
"a person that'
everyone I've talked to has
heard of_ myself! ..
Asked why she had booked
herself, Kavesh replied "Well,
Dad - my cousins were busy,
my brothers aren't old enough
yet, and Grandpa doesn't play
spoons like he used to besides, what close relative
could be closer to me than
me?!"
One student called the
booking "Nothing but nepotism!'' to wh ich Kavesh
replied: That's garbage! I'm
playing for half of what I would
charge any other school although I've never played
outside m y room before."
Nonetheless, Kavesh did agree
to return half of her fee to the
school.
Many students were outraged
that they were paying nearly $7
a head to hear one woodwind
musician to which one Arts
Council spokesman, who wished
to rem a in discretely elite,
Jonah Salz is an eminently
unremarkable hodgepodge of
blatantly disconnected themes and
motifs, a sort of musical jellyfish:
washed up onto the bleak beach of
existentialism, he gives an insignificant flop.
Although Home Box Office TV
did not show any interest in the
event, Kavesh insisted the event
would be recorded. "My cousin
is flying in from Tel Aviv with a
Polaroid Swinger!"
A seven-course banquet will
follow the concert, prepared by
Kavesh and Sons caterers.
Sports craps
Alas, poor discus, I knew it well.
event, so they would read this
review and be in true awe of my
intellect.
this rare chance to hear an
amateur musican dedicating
her time and energy to a concert, then they're Philistines and you know what happened to
the Philistines!"
Several kazoo and jew's harp
players were "hurt and surprised" that Kavesh hadn 't
consulted them before booking
the concert. One kazooist
stated: "Our music should
complement, not conflict with
each other. Besides - what if
she plays very well? Then we'll
have to rehearse more and play
more demanding material. It
could ruin the safe position that
this genre of music has on
campus." Kavesh apologized
for neglecting to consult with
other musicians on campus, but
added with a smirk: "The
contract is signed."
BRYN MAWR'S BASKETBALL SQUAD won the women's
national championship four weeks ago when assistant coach Jon
Propper slipped onto the court in female disguise. The News,
however, did not learn of this fact until yesterday because sports
editor J.P. Goldbrick was too occupied with his intensive aquatics
training in the Duck Pond.
THE ART OF SELF DEFENSE will be taught in special seminar
offered by Ed "the Eraser" Andujar. Andujar will teach how to
kick , bite and gouge your way through a safe night-time tour of
North Philadelphia.
Thesbs score with great play
This semester's major Drama
Club production, "Who's Afraid of
Virginia Woolf?" proved to be an
exciting exhibition of nifty footwork, quick delivery, and sharp
stage movement. The conclusion
of the play remained in doubt until
the final curtain, when the show
did , indeed, come to a close.
An audience estimated by ticket
takers at 6860 roared in approval at
David Crommett, playing the
much-maligned but still forceful
George. Dianne DeMailly, as the
master strategist Martha, directed created the necessary diversion for
a fantastic offensive throughout Head Coach Albee's heavy-handed
the second act, ~leashing an arse- attack.
nal of taunts, temptations, and
Martha's splendid handling of
tickling teases that left George de- the difficult "s ub-games" of
fenseless.
"Hump the Hostess' and "Get the
The well-timed delivery of "The Guests" created the momentum
Great White Hope" Lou Denning as necessary for George's supreme
former boxer Nick, showed his strategic maneuver: the old
usual drive and winning form, telegraph ploy.
although he muffed a number of
The final exchange of well-timed
cues and was guilty at least two blows and fancy maneuvering
times of illegal use of his whine. allowed the acting team to score a
Dianne Yannopoulos' Hohey smashing· success with the
cheering audience. The 8,610 lines
delivered in the three and a half
hour production set a Drama Club
and Eastern Acting Association
record of 8.2 lines per minute.
Other records set were longest
periods of times with same facial
expression (Dennig), number of
breathy deliveries (DeMailly), and
number of direct hits with snapOver 33,500,000 unclaimed scho lars: PhDs, MAs, BAs, MDs,
dragons from a distan!!e of 3 feet
and TVs. Current list of these sources researched and
(Crommet).
compiled as of Sept. 15, 1975.
"It went beyond my wildest
UNCLAIMED SCHOLARS
dreams," grinned head Line Coach
c/o Vicki Weber. 2526 Revolucion. Tijuana, Mexico
Butman. "Every last guy, from
the actors to the costumer to the
o I am enclosinq $9.95 plus $1.00 for postage and handl ing.
ticket-taker did his job- and did it
o 1 am an unclaimed scholar. Please add my name to your list
right! Just like I said to Peter
Ustinov the other day - or was I
PLEASE RUSH YOUR CURRENT LIST OF
1 talking to myself? - we look a lot
alike, you know."
UNCLAIMED SCHOLARS TO:
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The dark horse Bryn MawrI
Haverford Drama Club, conName
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sidered a shoo-in for a losing
I
season, have proved with this
Address
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splendid comeback that any given
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State
Zip__
well rehearsed acting team can
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33.,500-.000
Uuelaiuted
Scholars
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Thursday, A pr il 1, 1976
The Bryn Mawr-Haverford College
Page 4
Erdman sale ends heating probs
by Barbara Creamer
Bryn Mawr President Harris
Wofford announced this week that
the College has arranged to sell
Erdman sometime this summer.
According to Wofford, the move
is partially responsible for
allowing Bryn Mawr to reach its
goal in the $21 million campaign.
The dorm is to be demolished and
the building materials sold to the
Gulf Oil Corporation, which plans
to use the stone to build a primitive
astronomic observatory, similar to
Stonehenge, in New York's Central
Park.
The arrangements were made
after an 8-month search for a
buyer. The College made the
decision to sell the building last
August because, according to
Wofford, "we were fed up with all
the heating and plumbing
problems in Erdman. It's not
worth the trouble of maintaining
it."
After long negotiations, Gulf
agreed to pay $267 for the building,
provided the College throws in the
pinball machine and the foosball
table from the Pit. Dorm residents
X-majoring
(Continued from Page 1)
where Bryn Mawr ever found that
guy, but I hope they get rid of him
pretty quickly. He's been a good
fund raiser, but his work will soon
be done and he must move on.
That's my whole approach to men
-use them and then discard them.
After awhile I find my men no
longer excite me."
When asked to comment on
possible future presidents for the
College, McPherson responded "I
really dig the blue collar type."
But until a new president is
selected, McPherson claims she
will have no contact with Haverford. "If Haverford dropped into a
crack in the earth at lunchtime
tomorrow," she commented, "no
one would even notice."
plan to protest this, however.
According to one, "They can do
anything they want with the dorm
or the furniture or anything else,
but if they try to take away our
foosball table, they're asking for
trouble."
Wofford observed that the archite ctural design of the dorm
contributed nothing to its market
value. According to him, "We had
an offer from the Palisades
Amusement Park, who wanted to
buy it intact and turn in into a
Ha u nted House . However, we
r ejected it because they offered to
pay less than half of what Gulf
did."
The demolition of the building is
to be undertaken by Contractor
Peter Schickele, who supervised
the aborted effort to move Bryn
Mawr to Massachusetts earlier
this semester .
Wofford, when asked what Bryn
Mawr plans to do with the
displaced students, replied, "Gee,
we hadn't thought of that. I guess
nobody realized that would be a
problem."
Haverford President John
Coleman, when informed of this
situation, commented, "I find it
hard to get excited about this. You
have to remember that I lived in
Calcutta for a while."
Quinlan,
Hammann
Tangle
Contractor Schickele: "We can
do it".
Room draw annulled-------(Continued from Page 1)
available for comment on the
sit uation. According to Junior Bill
Crowfoot, one of his roomates,
Behrman left for the airport early
this morning with plans to "get as
far away from Haverford as
possible."
T he News has meanwhile
learned from airport officials that
so m eone matching Behrman's
description and calling himself
" Sam Gubins" was seen purchasing a ticket for Hong Kong on
TWA at around 9: 30 this morning.
Subsequent investigation showed
that the serial numbers on the bills
used to purchase the ticket match
those on the $1000 in room deposits
that disappeared from a safe in the
Haverford Business Office some
time during the night.
Security
director
James
McQuillan announced this morning
that he and his staff are "doing
everything we can" to track down
Behrman. An All-Points Bulletin
was put out this morning, and
McQuillan said he is considering
having Behrman's name put on the
FBI's most-wanted list.
Dead Man
According to Crowfoot , Behrman
came back from the room draw
late last night saying, "My God- I
just realized there are only three
North Dorms!" Telling his
roommates that he had "really
screwed things up" and that he
was "a dead man," Behrman said
it was urgent that he leave the area
as soon as possible.
"I didn't realize he was serious,"
Crowfoot said," until I saw him
leave this morning. Dave (Behrman) has messed up lots of things
as Housing Chairman, and we all
just figured this was another in the
series."
Crowfoot told The News that
Behrman called Williams at home
when he discovered the errors. "Al
(Williams) was furious," Crowfoot
s aid. "He didn't like being
disturbed during The Tonight
Show."
AI Gives Blow Job
Two News reporters investigating the situation met
Williams as he arrived at his office
this morning. Both reporters are in
satisfactory condition at Bryn
Mawr Hospital after having suffered repeated karate blows to the
neck, chest, and stomach.
One reporter, Eric Harrison,
managed to maintain consciousness long enough to hear
Williams tell Lolita Sabin, his
secretary, "I don't want to talk to
McPherson myth exposed
was the only person who knew the
by Antsy Nerdo
Bryn Mawr Dean Mary Pat truth about McPherson. Chapman
McPherson has met the fate of the admitted that he had been inlegendary Ice Cream Lady . formed of the true nature of the
apparent Dean by Former Dean
Children, she don't exist.
Despite the widespread belief in Dorothy Marshall, who instru~ted
her existence, the brutal truth is him to "keep the secret buried ·for
that the Dean is nothing more than the good of the College."
Members of the College ada projection on an invisible screen,
whose actions are controlled by the m inistration expressed shock and
dismay to learn that McPherson
College computer.
The first inkling that the woman was nothing more than a
might not exist came in a News
interview with her, when the 11·
presumed Dean began to fade in
and out as she t alked. Editor-inchief Vicki Wobbly alerted McPherson's Secretary, who contacted the Computer Center in the
basement of Dalton and learned
that there had been a malfunction
in the electrical equipment.
Final Word
The final word on McPherson
came from Paul Klug, Bryn Mawr
Comptroller. When asked if the
Dean of the Undergraduate College
really existed, Klug replied with a
concis e "What?" After being
acquainted with the students'
version of the story, he stated, " I
never heard of such a person in my
life. If she existed, I would cerThe real Dean McPherson.
tainly know ."
This revelation led to a News
Do you find someone placing
investigation, which found that
one hundred needles down his
McPherson's Sl)cretary and Blue
throat hard to swallow?
Bus driver John " Tex" Chapman
programmed illusion. President
Harris Wofford said, "I am
shocked and dismayed to learn
that Pat was nothing more than a
programmed illusion. But, I
suppose I should have suspected it.
She was too good to be true."
"Appalled"
Associate Dean Patricia Pruett
said she was "appalled" to learn of
the truth . Dean Joanne Vanin told
The News that she "couldn't
believe it" and Rebecca Leach said
it "made me want to throw up ."
Sophomore class Dean Jane
Hedley said she was "quite surprised, to say the least."
A recent poll taken of students
revealed that 83 percent of them
were familiar enough with McPherson to recognize her on sight,
and 69 percent of them had never
doubted her existence. The
believers expressed a beautiful
childlike faith in the Dean. Many of
them turned deaf ears to the
heretical reports of McPherson's
non-existence. "It all may be true,
but I really don't want to believe
it," murmured one sincere
student.
Curriculum Committee Chairman Dori Heinrich, after learning
the truth about McPherson, expressed her interest in applying for
the position "Curriculum committee is peanuts," siad Heinrich.
" The Deanship is where it's at."
anybody! When I'm good and
ready I'll make a statement."
Sabin, unaware of the room draw
problems, said she assumed
Williams had just cancelled the
film series again.
President John Coleman, when
asked to comment on the situation,
said "I find it hard to get excited
about this. You have to remember,
I lived in Calcutta for a while."
Although there was some
speculation that all this had been a
publicity gimmick on Behrman's
part to get his name in The News,
Crowfoot said he did not think this
was likely. " But of course it is
possible," he said. " After all, Dave
was under a delusion that all Bryn
Mawr women think he's cute."
An informal poll of Bryn Mawr
women conducted by The News
showed that; when asked, " Do you
think David Behrman is cute?",
four percent said yes, two percent
said no, and 94 percent said "Who
is David Behrman ?"
The News would like to express its gratitude
to Chairman Behrman of the
Housing Committee
for his cooperation in purposely
scheduling the room
draw for March 31 just so we
could include it
in thi~ issue, and so he could get
his picture in 'the paper.
Massages
April Fools Day Massages
will be given on Thursday at the
Haverford Coop. Those interested should contact Joe
Bosurgi, 667-4714 to find out
about it.
Collection
At Collection next week, there
will be a collection. The Collection Committee wil pass around
Don Mong's hat for contributions. All those attending should
bring fat wallets.
by J ohn Floyd
J oe Quinlan, Assistant Public
Relations Officer, has been banned
from P embroke East for the rest of
this semester, according to Ad·
mini str ative Assist ant Diane
Hammann. " He was trying to
conduct his 'business' where none
has been conducted before ," she
noted.
" What a bitch·!" Quinlan ex·
claimed when told of Ham mann's
action. " That dorm has such a
long, wide corridor. It's perfectfor
practicing hook slides."
" And that's all he is going to
practice, " said noted resfdent
Dan uta Shanzer . " No matter how
long it is."
Quinlan and Hammann have
lately been involved in many ac·
ti vities t ogether accor ding to
observers, " She's fast," Quinlan
responde d when asked how
Diane Hammann d istracting drivers
while t heir cars are towed away.
Hamm ann repeatedly gets the best
of him . " Quick as a Rat," he ad·
de d.
' 'Actually, explained Quinlan,
" Bill (Balthaser former Director·
of P ublic Relations) asked me to
follow Diane Hammann around
and write a story about what she
does. He thinks it will be a good PR
job against Bryn Mawr."
" Most of her time is spent towing
cars from half-empty parking
lots, " Quinlan continued. "Maybe
she doesn't trust Tom Trucks."
Off the r ecord, Quinlan offered
his theor y of how Hammann is
pl anning to move up in the Bryn
Ma wr Administr ation. "She's
doing all the little, odd, leftover
jobs. All the shitwork. " Quinlan
claims tp possess proof that all of
what Ham mann is doing was
or igin ally char ged to Harris
Wofford. " But she's doing a much
better job ," he added.
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From the police blotter:
BOB BRAUN, BMC Anthro prof, was arrested in Philadelphia last
night after exposing himself to the children's section of the
Coronet Theatre, 33rd and Market. Lt. Irving Flanigan, the
arresting officer, commented, "You really gotta be sick to do
something like that in the middle of 'Bambi'."
ERICA BLISS and RICK BROWN, hi-College students, are being
sued for libel and slander, respectively. "Cooperation won't
work as long as we have students bad-mouthing their sibling
college," explained students Mim i P anitch and Danut Shanzer,
who brought suit against their school-mates.
JUDY PORTER, BMC Sociology prof, has been arrested or\
charges of disseminating pornographic materials. NeWS'
reporters arrived at her home in time to see Porter being taken
away in handcuffs. Unfortunately, her comments were un·
printable.
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